Occasionally a topic comes up that causes me to start a blog post but due to time constraints or an eventual loss of interest in the subject I ultimately never get around to completing and posting what I’ve written. This posting started off like so many others, but because I continued to think about it and kept revisiting what I’d written I knew eventually I would mash the publish button for all to see. So, let’s talk about sex.
Before we get to it, the reason the topic came to mind was a brief opinion piece from the online edition of the New York Times was posted on a forum I visit. It was called Life Without Sex, and it was written by a woman named Sophie Fontanel. The primary focus of the piece was to pimp her book, The Art of Sleeping Alone, where she says she didn’t have sex for 12 years (from age 27 to 39). You can read the piece here or Google her name or the title of her book for the backstory.
I’m going to say this so it is absolutely clear: Ms Fontanel has every right to decide for herself to not have sex for whatever reason she chooses. Be it a moral reason, a physical reason, or anything else that helped her along to decide to not have sex. It is her unwavering right to decide for herself. That being said, it seems to me that Ms Fontanel’s problem wasn’t sex. To me her problem was communication. In nothing that I’ve read about her book does she mention that she had any sort of conversation about sex and how dissatisfied with it she was with her partner(s).
If you can’t trust your partner enough to have a frank conversation about sex what does that say about your relationship? And if you’re not mature enough to have a conversation with your partner about sex and what you’re looking for from it are you mature enough to be having sex? The issue is pretty simple. If what your partner is doing isn’t good for you, tell them. Even if you’re absolutely sure what you’re doing is great for your partner, ask them about it anyway. You might be surprised by the answer.
Think about all the conversations you have with your partner about money, kids, vacations, big purchases, and all sorts of other topics that are important to a good relationship. Now how many have you had about sex? I’ll bet not many. I’m not talking about an “under the sheets” type conversation, I’m talking about a fully clothed, both feet on the floor conversation just like you would discuss any other topic. And don’t be upset with the feedback you get if what you’re doing isn’t good for your partner. That’s the whole idea of having a conversation about it.
The fact you’re reading this means you already have access to boatloads of information to help you have what could turn out to be one of the most important conversations in your relationship. The internet is chocked full of great articles that you and your partner can read together to help get you both where you want to go. In discussing this posting with some folks they already had a few suggestions:
Social Minefield: How To Talk To Your Partner About Sex
How To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse
Pillow Talk: Feeling comfortable talking “sex” with your partner
Talking to your partner about sex
Yes, this post is a little bit of bait and switch. You were all thinking I was going to talk about sex, but instead I talked about talking about sex. It’s a shame Ms Fontanel couldn’t do that. But you can, and should. So, let’s get to it.
Let’s talk about sex…